An acquaintance of mine called me in the afternoon today and mentioned that she needs my advice on something. She gave a brief background about her family and her self. She has a 2.8 year old son and that recently he has stopped listening to her. The kid , lets name him "CutieBoy" wants to scream at the top of his voice, not listen to his parents. He is well behaved in day care, silent, and is to himself otherwise. His mother wanted me to guide her as to how should she handle her son ? How can she get him to listen to her?
Haven't we all faced this ourselves or through our friends? How often are we able to relate to this situation? My answer would be - almost every week !
This mother is genuinely unable to help her son nor herself and hence reaching out to people for help.
Based on her story ( haven't shared the entire details here for obvious reasons ), I felt that her son just lacks some motherly love and affection. He also wants the adults to treat him as an individual. This was his way of communicating to his parents that he is not happy inside!
Without going too much in details of this story, I want share a check list that we all can prepare and regularly observe the patterns of the child and ourselves. This introspection can help us alter our habits and usual responses towards our child.
1. Is the main medium of communication in school/ day care different from home for the child ?
If yes, please teach important words related to going to washroom, eating, asking for help, calling mother on phone etc.. in the language that teachers or helpers can understand so the child is able to alert them
If no, please help the child to express their concern with more words / actions based on the child's language ability / age.
2. If child is not behaving him/her self, please understand that something is bothering them. But don't push to ask all the details. Wait for them to reach out to you. To encourage them to come and share their story on their own, you can try this habit.
If possible, try to sit down for dinner together as a family and share your days experience with the child. Discuss situations and how you reacted. If they were right or wrong. What would you have done differently if you were more calm ?
By doing this daily, you are setting an example for the child to share their story and it becomes a place to discuss the problems and can ask for help from each other.
3. If you feel your child is hurting you/ biting you / or some form of physical resistance as soon as you reach home from office ( if you are a working parent ), it means the child needs your attention very badly. Please take it as an important signal that your child is indicating.
Steps to show your kid that you care:
3.1. Keep aside 10 min in the morning to do breathing ( simple, inhale and exhale) with your child and please don't force them. You do it with discipline at same time everyday, they will follow suit. Kids will start copying you in a while. This is quality time and you can talk post that about the body and benefits of observing your body's every move.
Teach your kids to sense the changes and patterns in their body parts - Exercise mentioned in the "Growth and Blossoming book by Fabrice Dini". A wonderful book for parents and child.
3.2. Set aside a day in a month that you both spend whole day together doing the things that your child loves. Set aside a day in a month, where your child gets to decide everything, from chosing your clothes to which restaurant you can go and what you can eat etc.
3.3 Set aside a playdate with your child's friends alongwith their mom / dad. You can share your experiences and advice.
4. Try to read books related to family, where they understand different types of nuclear/joint families. Read books that calm them down before bed. Read books that relate to your culture, traditions etc.
4.1 It is important to teach them that fights and arguments happen in every family. Talk to them about those situations and discuss how to improve or learn from them.
4.2 Teach them how to put forth a point without shouting yet being insistent and stern about it. You can do this by setting an example.
4.3 Avoid hurting kids emotionally. Most books and websites talk about physical hurt. But kids get affected emotionally too. We might just say words without realizing how it impacts the little heart. So watch carefully the choice of words. Improve your own vocabulary and theirs by learning to communicate various emotions and adjectives other than angry, sad or very nice. Try words like it was overwhelming, this looks elegant etc.
5. Create a calm space/time for child and parent where child feels they can share anything they want with the parent without being judged.
6. Set aside a creative corner in bedroom which is the child's own space ( if child doesn't have a bedroom of her own) She should be able to express her emotions there and please respect that space.
7. Provide a child accessible wardrobe / play rack or book shelf so they can take it whenever they want by themselves.
8. Teach them difference between healthy and junk food and let them try junk on specially assigned day of a month. Kids can be exposed to a lot of things with moderation.
Most importantly we don't control them nor do we have authority to do. We don't own them. We should be happy that we have the privilege to see them grow around us. - based on my understanding from the Sathguru Jaggi Vasudev's lectures.
Kids these days don't need TV, ipads, or most expensive toys. They only need your time ( which has become the most rare and expensive). They need you to hug and tell them that you LOVE them.
Parents reading this blog, please hug you children everyday no matter how old they are. Even teenage kids like it, but wouldn't admit it.
Happy parenting !
Haven't we all faced this ourselves or through our friends? How often are we able to relate to this situation? My answer would be - almost every week !
This mother is genuinely unable to help her son nor herself and hence reaching out to people for help.
Based on her story ( haven't shared the entire details here for obvious reasons ), I felt that her son just lacks some motherly love and affection. He also wants the adults to treat him as an individual. This was his way of communicating to his parents that he is not happy inside!
Without going too much in details of this story, I want share a check list that we all can prepare and regularly observe the patterns of the child and ourselves. This introspection can help us alter our habits and usual responses towards our child.
1. Is the main medium of communication in school/ day care different from home for the child ?
If yes, please teach important words related to going to washroom, eating, asking for help, calling mother on phone etc.. in the language that teachers or helpers can understand so the child is able to alert them
If no, please help the child to express their concern with more words / actions based on the child's language ability / age.
2. If child is not behaving him/her self, please understand that something is bothering them. But don't push to ask all the details. Wait for them to reach out to you. To encourage them to come and share their story on their own, you can try this habit.
If possible, try to sit down for dinner together as a family and share your days experience with the child. Discuss situations and how you reacted. If they were right or wrong. What would you have done differently if you were more calm ?
By doing this daily, you are setting an example for the child to share their story and it becomes a place to discuss the problems and can ask for help from each other.
3. If you feel your child is hurting you/ biting you / or some form of physical resistance as soon as you reach home from office ( if you are a working parent ), it means the child needs your attention very badly. Please take it as an important signal that your child is indicating.
Steps to show your kid that you care:
3.1. Keep aside 10 min in the morning to do breathing ( simple, inhale and exhale) with your child and please don't force them. You do it with discipline at same time everyday, they will follow suit. Kids will start copying you in a while. This is quality time and you can talk post that about the body and benefits of observing your body's every move.
Teach your kids to sense the changes and patterns in their body parts - Exercise mentioned in the "Growth and Blossoming book by Fabrice Dini". A wonderful book for parents and child.
3.2. Set aside a day in a month that you both spend whole day together doing the things that your child loves. Set aside a day in a month, where your child gets to decide everything, from chosing your clothes to which restaurant you can go and what you can eat etc.
3.3 Set aside a playdate with your child's friends alongwith their mom / dad. You can share your experiences and advice.
4. Try to read books related to family, where they understand different types of nuclear/joint families. Read books that calm them down before bed. Read books that relate to your culture, traditions etc.
4.1 It is important to teach them that fights and arguments happen in every family. Talk to them about those situations and discuss how to improve or learn from them.
4.2 Teach them how to put forth a point without shouting yet being insistent and stern about it. You can do this by setting an example.
4.3 Avoid hurting kids emotionally. Most books and websites talk about physical hurt. But kids get affected emotionally too. We might just say words without realizing how it impacts the little heart. So watch carefully the choice of words. Improve your own vocabulary and theirs by learning to communicate various emotions and adjectives other than angry, sad or very nice. Try words like it was overwhelming, this looks elegant etc.
5. Create a calm space/time for child and parent where child feels they can share anything they want with the parent without being judged.
6. Set aside a creative corner in bedroom which is the child's own space ( if child doesn't have a bedroom of her own) She should be able to express her emotions there and please respect that space.
7. Provide a child accessible wardrobe / play rack or book shelf so they can take it whenever they want by themselves.
8. Teach them difference between healthy and junk food and let them try junk on specially assigned day of a month. Kids can be exposed to a lot of things with moderation.
Most importantly we don't control them nor do we have authority to do. We don't own them. We should be happy that we have the privilege to see them grow around us. - based on my understanding from the Sathguru Jaggi Vasudev's lectures.
Kids these days don't need TV, ipads, or most expensive toys. They only need your time ( which has become the most rare and expensive). They need you to hug and tell them that you LOVE them.
Parents reading this blog, please hug you children everyday no matter how old they are. Even teenage kids like it, but wouldn't admit it.
Happy parenting !
