to ya ' ll

To,

The Dearest of my friends I ever had…

i was half-dead before,

u revived me,

enclosed in my nutshell,

u crack opened me,

all the morning walks,

and the relentless talks,

brought some change,

and some bigger smiles…

never seen myself so happy..

writing this on my lappy…

may god give me a chance

to be a friend to u…

like the way u are to me…

really.....

when i see passionate people , i then remember the reason why i got myself enrolled into the MTECH program...
some people just leave everything else and just work towards what they truly believe in...its their passion and they would go any extent to fulfill their dreams...
isnt this the real reason why i came here in the first place....its like all this time i totally lost myself...i m kinda regaining things and putting them back in their place....
the real reason behind me joining the course was that i was so damn interested about doing algorithms and theoritical computer stuff.....after coming here and looking at the people surrounding me i think i got a little too intimidated and got myself thinking into all possible stupid feelings....nyways better late than never....
i m realising that gr8 people always went after their dream...some went hungry for days just to see their dreams come true....
i m lucky in so many ways that i got into an amazing college with incredible facilities and immense exposure into the industry or be it research which has always been my source of interest....
i can do anything i want rite here rite now ...its all here....it is the present i shld be worried about and nothing else...i shldnt get diverted and start thiinking about what all i can achieve in these amazing two years of overall education and on the whole while doing this i should enjoy whatever i do...as long as it is enjoyable its fine...
the moment its no more enjoyment i m gonna lose it and then find a way out....
but will do anything solely bcoz i wanna do it and not bcoz i have to...


really i want to do so many things but i m too lazy ....i guess i shld start acting responsibly and really work hard...to get what i want or atleast do what ever makes me feel good....
i always have this image about the scientists that they are very passionate about their research and so are the musicians...
i simply love the way they just enjoy the music while composing or playing casually...
they simply are lost in that amazing world of music and dont think of anything else....its only the music they can about....
i want to have that same feeling and i too wanna be so passionate about something that when i do that i just lose myself into it and just forget about the rest of the world....
lose myself into this,
while the world goes passing by,
like the clouds in their rush,

soothing voices in my head,
feeling close to my heart,
cant time just stop here,

where is that feeling,
i m all lost amidst this,
i wanna have that thing,

remember those memories,
feels like ages ago,
fearing they might fade away,

oh ! where am i going??
i want to have that feeling,
back to the way i was before,
to that same old feeling....

i want to lose myself into this,
fear about nothing else,
just me and myself,
thats all that should matter,
world still passing by,
strangers still leaving aside,
where is my passion???
i wanna get back to that...
i will get back to it...
i am getting back to it...

what the....????

seems like its raining in my head????
why does it feel like its the dead...

still laying in my bed...
dont knw where is my grade...

just staring at the walls...
looking at the food....
lost in thoughts...
just dont understand where

what is this happening..
feel like i m hit by a hurricane...
head still spinning...

moods swing like roller coaster
dont still find a way...
searching among the thickest woods around...
cant seem to find a ray .

the learning curve....

yesterday i had this session with my friends and it was like ...kinda mind opener....
i was like learning about so many things in life.....the smartness u need to have, the kinda survival techniques u have to develop, the path u choose whenever u make decision, the practicality in thinking....man it was amazing....i m learning so many things even without realising that i m doing it.....thats the best part of it....
I am kinda knowing or rather realising what is the real deal in this world anyway???
what is the main purpose??
how to handle it??
which is the best way to do it??
how far can i achieve them???
how far can i learn from them???

u never knw what is gonna happen next and thats the uncertainty in life....
u never knw that the decision which u have taken is the right one or the wrong one....
u never knw that this is whats gonna happen now....

feels like

just kinda felt like sharing stuff today....
things change...so rapidly....

sometimes i feel like i m doing the right thing and sometimes i feel like the same thing is wrong and then i am in a total mess...i feel certain things and i try to analyse them but end up nowhere and then lose my self...
The weird part of this is that i m realising that i m growin up.. that scares the shit outta me...
i m feeling responsible for every single action i take...
i sometimes doubt if whatever i feel is the rational or not...it is like creating a black hole inside of me...what is my motive....i feel like i m losing track of myself...i need to regain everything i have been doing till now...where is the real me??????????????????????


i am searching for myself...

its just like that.......

its just like that....
i feel like writing so many things all together at once..rite now....
but i will do it...sentence by sentence...line by line..
i have an amalgamation of so many things...so much of contradictions...
i cried a lot...then i was sad..then i was laughing...i truly feel that my life has become more of a rollercoaster emotionally and physically...its so strange that ..till yesterday i was with my parents and the only thing i used to think was abt my studies and forgetting everything else...
here and espcially now i realise...that i aint a kid no more...i have to start acting like a mature person...i have to handle myself very professionally....anything i do or say has immediate aftereffects...and i need to be careful about that....
i have to soon realise that my priorities are to be on the front end always...it is always gonna be something which i m comfortable in....i have my own tastes and i can make my own choices...and that fact should gimme more freedom....

this is all about how i should grow as a person...but about my professional work...i think i still need to learn a lot about so many things...like diplomacy...human resource...etc..,

i have to always think that i shld be in the race no matter what or whom...nobody is for nobody....u always have urself and no more to it...so trust urself more than anyone else....

its always in ur own hands...u always have the option to change it the way u want it to.....
everything is a learning process...its always difficult the first time, the second time...but eventually u will get it....

finally no matter what happens or who happens or what anyone says....the only thing that should matter to u is ur conscience...u shld always do whatever ur heart says....there is this inner voice that keeps telling u that this thing is right or wrong...u will take the route..and just keep listening to it coz ...it becomes a routine and u will become very comfortable taking decisions...

somtimes something comes up and u start thinking about it all the time...but u shld always remember that it is urself thats gonna keep u intact...and never take anything too close to ur heart except ur ownself...sometimes even that can be harmful..
always remember that theres a purpose for everyone in this world...
no matter how hard u try to win or lose....u will always get whatever u deserve....
so just keep doing whatever u can do...ur best shot at everything and be passionate about it...
love anything and everything u do...never restrict urself of anything and dont deprive urself from anything....be it programming or learning from a whole new domain...or anything else....always be eager to learn new stuff with the excitement and zeal....

the break for me

today is a really special day for me..since i feel like i got this message directly from god communicated through the people around me...
i have to become sincere,responsible and diligent...
i need to be organised and become inquisitive about everything...
and start asking the right questions....i need to develop the habit of reading and writing a lot...
i should identify the right material to go through and start working on it...
i should be confident that i can do so many things and concentrate properly in whatever i do...
whatever i do should be filled with passion...i should enjoy whatever i do...
i think i m gonna start doing something rite now...

after the pre-sems

this side or that side,
where is my pride???

what am i doing??
still in searching...

people are around me,
but still am unlike me...

feels strange,
rips everything apart,
dont know what exactly to do,
something tells me i cant do,

feel like i am vulnerable,
where is my bmw convertible,
cant be more uncomfortable,

dont knw what is my purpose,
dont knw what i am doing,
dont knw where am gonna go with this,
dont knw.....

dont have a clue....:-(

the place where i am rite now is probably the one i have always been dreaming throughout my life....i have been given all sorts of creative freedom....i can learn anything abt computers in anyway i want to ...no restrictions...no regulations....i m kinda thrilled with the things that are going on rite now...especially with my career....
But stilll........theres definitely a but....life is full of roller coaster rides.....
i dont understand even a bit as to why i do anything....except in studies where theres a logical explanation for everything i do....but other than my studies....like having friends and stuff...i think i m seriously retarded....i m probably being really hard on myself....but...what to do...thats what i get to knw frm the record of my friends.....
How many friends do i have in the whole of my 20 yrs of existence....i cn literally count on my fingers...
i do certain things....thinking something else and it being interpreted in a diff way...i dont understand ...may be i m meant to not have friends at all....is this how geeks are supposed to feel like ....i dont have a clue.....looking at this i atleast feel that my parents are there to back me up whenever i want them to...i really dont need a friend....
But will always keep wishing to have a group of FRIENDS like the TV show .....may be sit with each other and have a nice time just chatting abt stupid stuff and keep laughing on absolutely senseless things.....just whileawaying the time....

well moral of the story....its not really bad to be a loner all the time....though it always feels good to be part of a group....but doesnt mean that u need to be part of a group....
The only thing that is most important is that....i am part of a larger group ....the set of human beings in this most beautiful earth.....
there are a lot more beautiful things in life to cherish than just keep brooding over something that cant be controlled...its all about how i try to enjoy my life and how i make the best use of the opportunity that i have been given....
some day my sir told me that i was self driven and that i didnt need to be motivated by somebody else......well after the things that i have experienced in the past one or 2 weeks i realised what he was saying....i m always convincing myself to be happy and trying myself to be motivated....and i realise i need no more than god with me to be myself and achieve whatever i want in life.....

first week in my new college

Today marks my first week in new college. And i 've already experienced so much...
I 've already given a test and experienced quite a lot of things. But not one minute this college has made me fell that i dont belong here. Finally i feel i belong some where, though i m not yet able to show my competency. But who cares, i m learning a heck a lot of stuff. I have always wanted a study atmosphere like this all my life.... a very conducive environment for research which has always been my passion...i feel especially good today because of the lecture i had in discrete maths and it was completely awesome...

I have the habit of always questioning myself abt the interest i have in the field of computer. Everyone has always told me that i wanted to do research after watching Dexter's lab...but today i pretty much have realised that this statement is not true...coz i feel this is where i belong... i m convinced that this has been a right decision after all....hee heee

amidst all confusion,
i throw out my frustration,
doubt my own creation,
need to change my perception.

things are just chnging so rapidly,
cant get hold of 'em properly,
fear and anxiety swinging swiftly,
thoughts are varying sporadically,
making decisions reluctantly,
trying hard so incessantly.

fear of starting afresh,
leaving things behind,
terrified of being swept away,
so much solitude,
is this a transition or more,
cant seem 2 find my ground..

just thinking...

its gonna be my exam tomorrow and all the emotions start flowing right out. I have been just watching around 7 1/2 hrs of non stop Television and i 've still gotta revise my notes for the exam tmrw. can't believe i m doing this during all of my exams.
it feels so strange for me to study in all these constraints, studying for my exams never amuses me at all, on the contrary i lose all the interest in studying and i have to try to mtivate myself in some or the other way.
still i m managing and doing a pretty decent job... i think i've gotta give credit to myself for that.... i still think i could do better than this and definitely improve myself...
first thing i've gotta do is to reduce my tv time.....
i have a lot to study and still wasting my time by watching tv.... i think i m gonna stop typing and start studying....
i m gonna hit the library for now......

final orals of engg yeah ....

Phew...... what a day it was .
Yesterday happened to be the last oral exam of my engineering. (Hopefully)
The worst part of it was that the external prof was a real bugger. He was a real pain in the (u know what).
He was absolutely not ready to take my answer. He had made up his mind that whatever this person is gonna say , i have to act as though it is full of waste.
I clearly told him, "Respected Sir, I know RMI is consisting of Proxy and skeletons and their working is pretty much like a stub....." And by the time i could finish it up, he gave that weird look on his face that had the pretention clearly written on his facial palette.
The worst part is whatever i said was perfectly according to my fav author "Mr. The GR8 Andrew Tanenbaum- Distributed computing" . But NOOOOOO NOOOOOO. He wouldnt agree.
He asked me to give RE- VIVA .......... OH god Oh nOOOOOO how could i be wrong....
Boooo hooooo ./........ Booo Hoooooo.
I then come outside of the computer lab (where i gave my viva). And all my friends say that he was one big (i cant use all the bad words now.) Then i start studying and cross checking the facts i told him. Then someone told me that he had come last semester for their project presentation and the guy was cool, he didnt create trouble. And i wasnt the only one , there were another 8 people along with me. THANK GOD!!!!
Finally after 2 hrs i go and meet the prof (All 9 of us went) adn the guy asks me "what was ur question" And I go "Sir, it was abt RMI". Then he goes "Tell me what have u studied"
Then I go again "Sir, RMI consists of Proxy and Skeleton and they are like ...." Then he interrupts me " What is another name of proxy ? " and i go " Sir, Stubs as in RPC's" . Then he says "u can go "
I was like what the hell ? Are u letting me go away just like that without even writing any marks or answering some difficult questions. Isnt that what Re- viva's are all about.
NYWAY i am done with oral exams of engineering.

Another day in my (most boring, emotionless, no high power drama) life.

mediocres aiming for gr8ness

someone tells me aim big to achieve something in this world.
He tells focus
want it so bad that you will work for it
like saving your life in a war.

someone tells me keep your options open.
don't stick onto the same thing
and lose everything else.

i want to do what i intend to do.
but due this struggle inside my head
i feel the strangle in my neck.
ज़िंदगी क्या होती है
हम नहीं जानते
ஆனா எப்படி வழனும்னு

தேரியலையே

I don't know how?
but feels like something is strangling my neck,
where do i go?
how can i escape this?
someone is pulling me into it,
please help me!

where is the way to redemption?
where is salvation?